Ep 31: Why You Should Learn Detachment During the Holidays

Dr. Deb Butler: Welcome to Thinner Peace in Menopause and Beyond. I’m Dr. Deb Butler, master life and weight coach, and your coach. And today is episode number 31, The Big D. And D stands for detachment. The holidays are coming, might be kind of important. This is really just a short sweet episode but I think it’s got a lot of meat to it. So stay tuned. 

Dr. Deb: Hello! This is episode 31. And the holidays are coming, and it is such a great time to practice, practice, practice. And today, I want to talk about a new concept. But really, it’s a very old concept. But it’s a perfect time to help remind you how important it is to use your mind during this holiday season. I know a lot of people and a lot of researchers all talk about how much weight you can gain between Thanksgiving and New Year’s. You know it, I know it. This is the time where this isn’t going to happen anymore. And one of the tools that I want to give you to help you with this is, I call it “The Big D.” But it’s all about detachment and I talk about it a lot over these last podcasts and I use different words for it. And it’s really about mindfulness. 

So today, I want to talk about it from the standpoint of an author and a very well-known author. Her name is Melody Beattie, and she wrote a really fantastic book a long time ago. But still, it’s just as important now as it was then. And it’s called Codependent No More. And this is how she defines codependency. “A codependent is one who has let another person’s behavior affect him or her, and is obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior.” 

Now, I can only speak for myself when I say that I may be just a little co-dependent. And I think I know a lot of women who are just a little co-dependent. For instance, when my husband or son is in a troubling situation, I just want to jump in and help. I might even become just a little obsessed about it. What about you? As women, we think we have more control than we actually do. And Ms. Beattie goes on to say that the best way to break our co-dependence is to use a tool called detachment. 

Now, Buddhism uses this word a lot, and it’s not that different from the definition that she uses in this book. In fact, when it’s talked about in the Buddhist Philosophy, the term equanimity is really what is used instead. But it’s all about seeing both sides without reacting and having a big emotion. It’s about being the observer. I know I’ve said this a lot, but really, when you’re detached, you can become the observer of what’s going on in front of you. And this is what she talked about, she talked about this so long ago, and it is so relevant now. 

Now here is the definition that she uses for detachment. “Detachment is releasing, or detaching from a person or problem, in love.” And I want to state, “in love” and underline that. “We mentally, emotionally, and sometimes physically disengage ourselves from unhealthy and frequently painful entanglements with another person’s life and responsibilities and from problems we cannot solve.” She goes on to say that basically, we’re into other people’s business and not on our own business. And this is a really popular phrase that Byron Kattie uses in the work. And if you’ve never read anything by Byron Kattie, I really encourage you to look her up because she’s all about detachment. 

Now, one of the things that when we talk about being in other people’s business, I love one of the things that she says is that, there’s only three types of business that you can possibly be in your life. One is your own business, your own mind. Two, other people’s business, or when you’re in other people’s minds, like when you think you’re a mind reader. And the third kind of business is God’s business. I really love that because what she says and what I’m saying to you is the only that you have any right being in is your own business, your own mind. The real irony is that when we’re attached, or in other people’s business, we cannot attend to the only thing that can really change anything. And that’s our own feelings or our own business. So, detachment is the sanest way to take care of problems around us. Attend to our own feelings, our own reactions, and see what’s going on with us. It’s so much easier, we think, to fix other people’s problems than attend to our own problems. In fact, I think we like being in other people’s problems so much because it keeps us away from our own. 

Now here’s the big clincher. When we’re attached to other people and their problems, we tend to ignore our own mental well-being and physical well-being because we’re too busy taking care of everyone else. Sound familiar? 

So how can you begin to take care of your own body if you’re not even there. That’s a really good question. The more that you practice detachment and getting out of other people’s business, in other words, being a mind reader, the better you will end up taking care of yourself. And that’s what all these podcasts are about, right? It’s how to take care of yourself. 

From a psychological point of view, that means attending to your own feelings. Now, what I have found is that when one is honoring their feelings, they also tend to honor their physical body as well. Eating beautiful healthy foods, getting wonderful sleep, meditating, exercising or playing, just to name a few.

So this is what I want you to do as the holidays become closer. I want you to start this week with honoring yourself. When you see a situation with someone that you love — because that’s usually what it is, someone you care deeply about — instead of diving in and trying to solve their problems for them, I want you to detach with love. And stay in the only business that really matters, yours. 

Until next week, I want you to be very very kind to yourself. Bye bye. 

Dr. Michael Butler: If you’re ready to take your eating issues to another higher, more improved level, well, it’s time to talk to my wife, Dr. Deborah. She’s helped hundreds and thousands of people. Just visit drdebbutler.com/workwithme. You’ll get a free consultation with Dr. Deb, and find out if coaching and talking to my wife is a solution to your struggles.