Ep 178 Your Past Does Not Define You – Coaching Session with Sara

Thinner Peace in Menopause, Weight Loss and Beyond, Episode 178

Dr. Deborah Butler: Welcome to Thinner Peace in Menopause and Beyond. This is Dr. Deb Butler, master of life and weight coach and, as always, your coach. Today is episode number 178. I’m going to do a live coaching session today on a listener, just like you, who wrote in a letter, and she’s courageous enough to come on and talk to me. Stay tuned.

Dr. Deborah Butler: Hey, everybody! How are you today? It’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood. I’m looking out at the woods. It looks like late summer. Every now and then, I see a yellow leaf fall from the tree, and then I see a hummingbird come up to the window and say hello to me. It’s the end of summer as we know it, and it’s just beautiful. And today I have something really, really special for you-as I always say, but I do. I had a listener, just like you, write me a letter, and I thought it was so good. She had so many different points in there that I thought if she was brave enough to come on, that I could coach her on some of the things that she wrote to me about, and I think it’ll resonate with you too. And I think, however I coach her will help you; it’s like you can stand in for her.

That’s the beauty of when I coach somebody else in front of you-I call it “osmosis coaching”. It’s like, you get the coaching, even though you’re not here talking to me, you will get it too. That’s why I love group coaching because that’s what happens, even when you are not being personally coached, you are. And your brain is open in a different way when you’re not being coached, so sometimes, you can have even more “aha” moments than when you’re being coached personally. So with this, let’s see what you think about this. Her name is Sara, and she wrote me this letter, and I just want you to hear the letter. And when I coach her, I won’t read the letter again, so I just want you to hear at one time.

So this is what she wrote: “I’m a new listener to your podcast. I’m 61-year-old wife; 39 years married. I’m a nana to six. And this year, I think I’m finally nearing the end of my menopausal journey. But the journey of weight loss is not over. Your testimony reads much like mine. I’ve been circle sailing the same ocean of losing 20 pounds and finding them over and over again for decades. I’m a regional director for a nonprofit fitness ministry, and it’s unbelievable to me that my life has been surrounded by fitness gurus and wellness strategists, and I still struggle to get it right myself. I’m also a freelance writer and currently writing a book called ‘Balance: A Journey to Wholeness Physically, Spiritually, and Nutritionally’ if I can ever get over the shame of my own faults.”

So, you guys, before I read on, I just want you to know that she’s got a lot of thoughts in here that are coachable. So it’ll be interesting to see where I go, but I wanted to read on. Then she says, “I began to listen to you and found that I needed to start at the very beginning from your very first podcast. So being a newbie, I have downloaded your Companion Guide, and I’m taking notes ferociously as I listened to all of your amazing tools. The thing that is hardest for me right now is that I battle with too much of the joy eating and drinking, which turns quickly into the all-night, fog bench storm-eat.”

“Mindfulness is what I need most, but, to be honest, with a house full of people-our son and daughter in law and granddaughter-who don’t eat “feel” foods are living with us temporarily while their house is being built. I struggle with the social pressure of this in a huge way, and even my husband, whom I adore, does not share my desire to make good choices. I know in my mind that no one is forcing me to make these choices, but I find myself in this wake of really needing to find answers to get right for life.”

“So all that to say, I wanted to thank you. I’m learning to listen to my body cues and ways to find the balance of what true physical hunger for me and to enjoy life along with it. Your encouragement and wisdom speak volumes, and I just hope and pray I can accomplish my goal for the next phase of my life.” And she goes on to say, I want to just say she’s from Colorado. And so she just said, “Hello, from Colorado,” and if I ever go to Colorado, to please visit her.

So that’s from Sara. And what I want you to do now is get cozy, or if you’re in the car, relax, or if you’re out walking, enjoy. But listen as I coach her, and let’s see what part of this letter is where she wants to go. I have a couple ideas, but I hope you can see from the letter that she’s got a lot of thoughts that could use a little coaching on, so stay tuned.

Dr: Deb: Alrighty. Hello, Sara, and welcome to the show. You are one brave soul.

Sara: Thank you. Thank you for having me, Dr. Deb. It’s a real thrill and a treat for me to actually speak with you.

Dr: Deb: Thank you. And I read your letter ahead of time, so everyone’s gotten a little feel for what’s going on with you. And you wrote about a lot of different things. So what I’m kind of curious about for you, because how long have you been listening to my podcast, would you say?

Sara: Oh, my goodness. I’m very new. So I would say possibly four weeks, a little over four weeks.

Dr: Deb: Uh-huh.

Sara: That’s all

Dr: Deb: Right. And it resonates with you, I’m assuming.

Sara: Yes, I’m ready to tell all my friends and their friends and to go listen to you because, yes, they are.

Dr: Deb: I love that. Okay. Can you tell me just a little bit about your story? You said that you’ve been on this journey for a long time and you resonate with my story. So can you tell me just a little bit about it?

Sara: Well, the little parts that I resonate with you, you spoke about it in some of your beginning podcasts, and I struggled with weight gain when I was younger. In college, I really struggled with self-image, body image. You know, I was bulimic for many years, I want to say almost 15, at about the time when I met my husband. I met my husband in college and really got off the bulimia wagon when I met him. I never went through any kind of counseling or therapy or anything for it. It’s just I knew, I didn’t even know there was a name for it.

Dr: Deb: Uh-huh. I can relate to what you’re talking about. I did the same thing.

Sara: And it wasn’t until really I heard of, I think it was a talk show, an old talk show and they were talking about eating disorders and bulimia, and I started perking up to, I was like, “Oh my goodness, I think I have that. I think I do that.” And what scared me was, in that little time, they said that, you know, “Bulimics have a hard time ever getting pregnant, they could lose their teeth.” And the weirdest thing to me is that, you know, I heard, “I might lose my teeth?” I was just, and then after that I didn’t do it for a long time. But the thought of doing it again, when I would start gaining weight again, it would sort of be the go-to thing that I would think about even though I wouldn’t actually do it, but I struggled about 15 years.

Dr: Deb: Wow, you know, it’s so interesting because I struggled with it too, like from 20 to 30-years-old.

Sara: Oh.

Dr: Deb: Yeah, so, and it’s very interesting because even though that kind of behavior, I stopped doing it as you did, still the behavior of restricting and depriving and overeating is so kind of the same kind of behavior from the same kind of thinking.

Sara: Absolutely.

Dr: Deb: Right?

Sara: Yes.

Dr: Deb: And that’s what you’re stuck with now, I think. Tell me where I’m wrong.

Sara: I think so. I’m, because I still struggle with the-no, I love how you call it a storm or a fog eat because it’s like, it begins with the joy, it begins with kind of a joy eat, and I know how to, I know the good foods, I know what to put in my body and what the fuel foods are.

Dr. Deb: Yes.

Sara: Those are real natural for me. I know about it. But, for me, when it becomes a joy, I have a glass of wine, I’ll be sitting with my family, it will be a happy moment. And then, all of a sudden, it starts turning into, okay, another glass of wine, a little bit more to eat, and then I’m starting to nosh. Then it becomes this foggy thing, and when you said fog, I’m like, “Yeah, I feel like I’m in a fog.” It’s like I know what I’m doing, but I’m sort of outside myself. It’s sort of like, over there across the street, and I’m watching myself from the outside in, if that makes sense.

Dr. Deb: It makes a lot of sense. So when you’re watching yourself from the outside in, what are you thinking?

Sara: I’m thinking, “Wow, that’s really pathetic.”

Dr: Deb: Okay, that’s really good to see. Because here’s the interesting thing is what you said to me is it begins with joy. Now, here’s where I want to show you, because what you wrote in your letter is you said that you thought you had a problem with joy eating, but that’s the hardest, that’s the battle for you. And the way that you started this was it begins with joy, so you think that because you’re in a happy moment, like say, you’re with your family or whatever, right, and it’s a happy moment. There’s happiness inside of you, and it can be a happy moment, but why do you want to drink the wine, if it’s not a fuel food, and it’s a happy moment?

Sara: Yeah. Because it’s there, because everyone else is, you know, having wine or drinking and although it seems as though that they can stop at a certain point and then I’m just in the mode.

Dr: Deb: Uh-huh. So you think they can stop and you’re in the mode?

Sara: Possibly.

Dr. Deb: Possibly, yeah. So the first thing that comes up, and this is really interesting for you and for everybody that’s listening, is that the way that I use the tool of joy eating, especially in the beginning, is more to plan it than to just give in to an emotion. Because I think the way that you’re using your joy food, which is the wine, is giving into an emotion. You want to feel something, so you want to drink it. Tell me where I’m wrong.

Sara: No, I am following. I don’t think that’s incorrect.

Dr: Deb: You think that’s correct?

Sara: Yeah, I think you’re right.

Dr: Deb: Okay, and so it’s interesting because you’re also in a very happy situation.

Sara: I know.

Dr: Deb: Right? And so this is the thing that’s really important to see, the what’s going on outside of you and what’s going on inside of you are not always the same thing. And that’s getting connected into your own emotions, which is, yes, you’re very happy about being with your family, but inside of you, you’re getting an urge or a desire to want to eat something that may not be in your best benefit.

Sara: True.

Dr: Deb: And your little brain says something about that.

Sara: True again.

Dr: Deb: What does it say?

Sara: You know, until you said that, I think that I get to a point where I know if I don’t really care about what I’m going to eat, then I’ll be able to eat it, and it won’t matter because I’ll start again tomorrow.

Dr: Deb: Wonderful. And so does it begin with the wine?

Sara: Not always, but sometimes.

Dr: Deb: So here’s the thing, because what you wrote in your letter is. “The thing that is hardest for me right now is that I battle with too much of the joy eating and drinking.” So too much means that when a situation pops up, whatever that situation is, it can be a very happy moment, you’re with your family or you’re with your friends-you give in to urges too much. Tell me where I’m wrong.

Sara: Definitely.

Dr: Deb: Right. And so the question is, why? Because it’s not giving you what you want.

Sara: I don’t want to say I don’t know.

Dr: Deb: I’m so glad you could say that. You’ve listened to enough podcasts to know that. That’s really good. I love that. Yeah. So if you did know?

Sara: Yeah, if I did know, I would maybe not choose to overindulge.

Dr: Deb: Okay. But if you did know why you did it, is what I want to know. Like, I’m asking you why you’re choosing to do it when you know you’re not going to get what you want. Because that’s what you’re writing in your letter. So you know this.

Sara: I don’t know. And I know you hate that.

Dr: Deb: No, no, no, no. I think it’s really common because that’s where you are right now is your brain turns off and says, “I don’t know what’s going on here.” And, of course, when you say, “I don’t know.” Guess what? You don’t know, which really allows you to do whatever you want because you don’t know.

Sara: I think at times, I just don’t care, and I want to be rebellious, and I want to have that frozen yogurt with all of the different toppings on it. And I know everybody’s gonna go do that later, and if I was in a really clear state-if I wasn’t in a foggy place-that I had a clear mind, I probably would just go up to that little Lulu’s Frozen Yogurt stand.

Dr: Deb: Yeah.

Sara: And, I could have some tea instead, and they could just have their stuff. At times I feel like I’m a lone ranger.

Dr: Deb: Why is that?

Sara: Because no one really cares about wanting to eat well, and…

Dr: Deb: I know. What’s that got to do with you? So here’s a really interesting thing because what you wrote in your letter is you talked a lot about your other family members.

Sara: Uh-huh.

Dr: Deb: That they, like your son and daughter-in-law, are living with you right now, and they don’t care about eating fuel foods. I think just what you said, and your husband’s not that Interested either?

Sara: Correct. Right.

Dr: Deb: So what I want to ask you is what’s that got to do with you? Because it’s all running together with the wine and the yogurt and everything else and you feeling like a lone ranger?

Sara: I guess all I can say is I feel the peer pressure of not doing it. I’ll get comments about “Oh, come on, Sara, you can have some dessert.” “Oh, come on, Sara, you can come up to Lulu’s and have this.” “Oh, come on, Sara, you know, have another.” And so I know, no one is forcing me. I could say, I could. I just want to be able to stand strong in myself and not feel like because of all that, because of that outside pressure that I’m feeling at that time that I have to make those choices, ’cause I know I don’t have to make those choices, but therein lies my circle failing…

Dr: Deb: I love that.

Sara: Over and over. And it’s really not mine-it’s the row.

Dr: Deb: I love that, though. The circle sailing, the cycle of going through the same thing over and over again.

Sara: Uh-huh.

Dr: Deb: Right? And we’re talking about, you’re talking about 20 pounds that you gain and lose over and over again, right?

Sara: Right.

Dr: Deb: So my question first is, how come it’s not like 50 or 60 pounds? If you have so little control? Why isn’t it 50 or 60 or 90?

Sara: I think I get to a point where I feel so, you know, all my clothes are getting so tight, and I get to this place of determination that I am not going to buy another size up, and so I stay there. And then I kind of go back down and then I come back up, and then I go back down, and I get to that point where “No, I cannot. I cannot do this.” And it scares me to the fact that, I go back to this memory a long time ago. My parents are gone now, but it was when both my parents were going through a divorce, and I came back from college during the summer, and my dad looked at me, and he said, “Wow, Sara, you better be careful. You might be getting as fat as your mother.”

Dr: Deb: You haven’t forgotten that, huh?

Sara: Oh my gosh, if I can get rid of that in my mind.

Dr: Deb: Right? Uh-huh.if you could get rid of that in your mind, what would happen?

Sara: Ah, there, well, there definitely would be some freedom. It’s the belief in what my father had told me that became how I view myself. But it also ties into all the other stuff, you know, he and my mom had just divorced. The man. if I don’t get thin, if I don’t lose this weight, I could maybe never marry someday.

Dr: Deb: Because you could end up like your mother, and he divorced her.

Sara: Uh-huh.

Dr: Deb: Fascinating, isn’t it? How long ago was that?

Sara: Well, I was 14 years old when they got divorced, but I was in college. So I want to say that I was probably 18 at the time.

Dr: Deb: And how old are you now, if you don’t mind?

Sara: Well, I think I told you I was 60.

Dr: Deb: You did. But I just wanted everybody else to hear it.

Sara: I’m almost 61.

Dr: Deb: You’re almost 61. So that’s like 50 something years of believing something that doesn’t serve you. You have a thought about what he said to you. Like, what he said was, and I’ll tell you with memories, it’s funny, that he may not have even said what you think he said, to begin with, right, because memories are weird. But let’s just assume it’s exactly what he said.

Sara: Okay.

Dr: Deb: Like that. Let’s make that a fact.

Sara: Okay.

Dr: Deb: That he said that you might get fat just like your mother if you keep this up.

Sara: Uh-huh.

Dr: Deb: Right?

Sara: Right.

Dr: Deb: What did you make that mean in your mind?

Sara: In my mind, at that time, I think I-one, that no one would ever find me desirable.

Dr: Deb: If I got fat?

Sara: If I got fat…

Dr: Deb: And your father was already telling you that you were getting there.

Sara: Uh-huh. That, you know, I would be unworthy for a relationship down the road, and just that I’d be living in shame, I guess.

Dr: Deb: Okay. So this is what I want to show you, and this is going to be really important for you and anybody that’s listening. And I’m not sure how much I’m going to get into the joy eating from this, but this is really important. Because this happened 50 years ago, but it’s like it happened yesterday in your head, and that is a choice. What happened in the past is unchangeable, what he said. The only thing you have, Sara, is how you want to think about what he said 50 years ago now-and that is totally changeable. What he said is not how you think about it is. You’re thinking what you thought when you were 18. You still believe the same thing. It’s an option. It’s an option. Your thinking it’s reality.

Sara: Yeah, you think I’d be old enough to get over that, right?

Dr: Deb: No, I don’t. I don’t, and the reason is, is because you’re still thinking like you did at 18 years old, and it’s a well-worn path. It’s a neural pathway that gets a lot of use still. It’s not uncommon. But, you don’t have to keep thinking. In this moment, it could change.

Sara: I would like that.

Dr: Deb: Right. So you have to see who the heck knows where your father was really coming from and what he really meant. I mean, my guess is he just loved you to death, and he believed something about that and gave it to you. So lovely. But he didn’t do it because he wanted to hurt you and make sure you felt unworthy for the rest of your life. He thought he was doing you a great big favor. He was doing it out of love.

Sara: Well, that would be a better way to look at it, wouldn’t it?

Dr: Deb: Well, my guess is, I don’t know. You know what you’re guessing as much as I am.

Sara: I know it’s emotional. My goodness, you stirred up a little bit of emotion now.

Dr: Deb: That’s okay, but you need to take a deep breath because that’s been there for a long time. And it’s running the course now around eating and food and especially joy eating. Especially when you’re around family. So here’s what I want to offer you, that you can continue to believe, that because you’re talking about 10 pounds, 20 pounds, five pounds, I don’t know what you’re talking about, but you’re talking about weight, probably anything. But for you, I think you’ve got the 20-pound limit.

Sara: Uh-huh.

Dr: Deb: Right. Like up to 20 pounds, I’m still almost lovable-not quite but almost.

Sara: Yeah, and I’m there. I’m like at the tip.

Dr: Deb: Right, and so that’s what you use to bring yourself down, is you just scare the crap out of yourself, excuse my language. I will probably beep this but seriously

Sara: No, it’s true.

Dr: Deb: “Oh, you better just stop eating, or else you’re going to lose everything.” That’s what’s going on in your head.

Sara: Yeah, and God forbid that I lose my husband of 39 years who absolutely adores me at 20 pounds overweight.

Dr: Deb: You don’t adore you.

Sara: No, I know.

Dr: Deb: It’s not that you’re overweight. It’s not about him.

Sara: I know.

Dr: Deb: It has nothing to do with him and has nothing to do with relationships except with yourself. That’s what needs working on. And when you have a relationship with yourself, weight will not be an issue. You’re using it to reward and punish yourself based on what somebody who had a mind that was working-however it was working-gave to you. And you have decided to accept it for 50 years as if it was the truth. It’s not. You are worthy and lovable, no matter what.

Sara: I do want to believe that

Dr: Deb: I know, but you don’t quite, right? If you were honest with me, be honest. It’ll help the coaching session. Don’t start lying now.

Sara: Uhm, yeah. No. It kind of, how I feel about myself is tied into if I eat good, if I don’t eat good. If I’m really on and I’m losing weight, and I’m feeling good about it-it’s like walking out the door with a good hair day.

Dr: Deb: That’s a good one.

Sara: You walk out, and you’re just like, “Yes, I’m feeling so great, and I could be an encouragement to anybody around me.” But when I have just like had a huge binge the night before and feeling horrible, and I wake up and go, “Oh” see now that’s where the regret and the guilt and the failure and all the shame comes, and it’s like I can’t get out. It’s so hard to get out of that mode. But the light at the end of the tunnel for me is to never have those thoughts about myself and to never go into that place of binging and overeating and just over overindulgence of anything,

Dr: Deb: Never is a big word. Would you like to understand it better?

Sara: I would like to understand it, why I do what I do a little bit more.

Dr: Deb: As opposed to never do it because here’s the thing, as long as you’re doing it, you can hit yourself over the head, which is what you do. Or, you can be more curious about what’s going on. The reason you start your cycling for all of these years is because you’re not willing to look, you just punish yourself. And tell yourself, “You keep this up, you’re not gonna have anything left.”

Sara: That’s good.

Dr: Deb: So we call that, that is not what soft compassion is-that’s what punishment is. That’s what you’re using. And you’re using it almost just like your dad used it on you. You’re just repeating it for him. You’re bringing what happened 50 years ago, and you’re still thinking the same thing and using it. That’s why it’s so important that you change the way you think about that.

Sara: Wow.

Dr: Deb: Because you’re very regimented here, it’s like, we’re not going over 20 pounds. So you got a lot more control than you think you have, and you’re allowing all of this to happen. This is not something that’s just-you totally know what’s going on.

Sara: Right.

Dr: Deb: Totally. You’re totally controlling the show. This is how it goes. I get to have a lot of joy and then no joy and then a lot of joy and then no joy-all revolved around food. That’s not where joy comes from. It comes from you, inside, in your mind. You can’t feel joy when you feel shame.

Sara: No, it’s nearly impossible.

Dr: Deb: Right? And so where I want this to be today for you, is I want you to be able to see what you’re thinking about what happened 50 years ago, and we’re going to change it just a little bit.

Sara: Okay.

Dr: Deb: Because here’s the thing, you believe your thought, that you would be, you’re unworthy of a relationship if you gain weight. Like your body is dependent on a relationship, how it looks.

Sara: When you put it that way, it sounds so superficial.

Dr: Deb: That’s why we’re looking at it. Because we’re trying to get your observer part of your mind to have a look instead of, you have this thought you’ve been believing for so long that it’s just mixed with shame. So you can’t see it. But right now, I think I have you stepping out of it a little bit? So you’re looking at it, and going like that is kind of strange. Now you’re using a different part of your mind.

Sara: Uh-huh.

Dr: Deb: And then we start looking at you as if you were your most beloved child. Is this what you would want your children to be thinking about themselves as somebody said something horrible to them when they were young?

Sara: No.

Dr: Deb: What would you say to them if they said, “Mom, I would be unworthy of a relationship if I gained 10 pounds.”

Sara: Oh.

Dr: Deb: Would it break your heart?

Sara: Oh my gosh, I’m already breaking with the thought of it.

Dr: Deb: That’s right. It should be breaking your heart what you’re thinking. And you have compassion; that the only reason you were thinking about it like that is because you believed it would help you like your father thought. It’s not helpful.

Sara: No.

Dr: Deb: No. So what your dad said is what he said. The only thing that can change is how you want to think about it now. And here’s the truth, as long as I believe what he said about my worthiness, about my weight, I will suffer. Which means that if you believe something different, you wouldn’t suffer. Not because of what he said, it’s just because of your head.

Sara: Right.

Dr: Deb: “As long as I think I would be unworthy of a relationship because of my weight, I will suffer. I will have shame.” So that, your brain starts connecting the thought because your brain’s connecting this as a reality, as if that’s what he said, which is not what he said,

Sara: Right.

Dr: Deb: All he said, is “You’re going to get fat like your mother,” that’s all he said. It could mean a million things. In your mind, it meant that about your shame and unworthiness, and about what it would mean to be in a relationship. You could change that now. And I really believe and this is for everybody that’s listening to this-is, you can’t go from “I am worthy no matter what my weight is.” Like, that sounds like a great thought, doesn’t it? But you know, you’re not going to buy it, right?

Sara: Right.

Dr: Deb: Right, because you can’t go there yet. But I promise you, what we’re doing right now is we’re laddering these thoughts. So where you want to be, where you want to end up is, “No matter what my weight is, I’m always worthy.” Where you are right now is, “I’m only worthy if my weight is a certain way.” So you have some laddering to go, like, where can we go in between these two thoughts?

Sara: Yeah, I need to be thinking so differently.

Dr: Deb: The only thing I think right now is as long as I think that, I will hurt, which is a laddering thought. It’s just a thought.

Sara: Right.

Dr: Deb: It has nothing to do with your father. It’s just something that got in your head, in your 18-year-old brain that didn’t know that much. It’s stuck at 18-years-old.

Sara: Yeah.

Dr: Deb: Can you see that?

Sara: Yeah, yeah, I can.

Dr: Deb: So let me ask you this when you think about what your father said, and you now think that it’s possible that if I thought something different about what my father said, I could feel differently. See, I keep rew ording my thoughts. I’m telling you all different thoughts that are possible.

Sara: Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Dr: Deb: Can you see that I’m doing that?

Sara: Uh-huh. Yes.

Dr: Deb: So how does that land when I say that to you?

Sara: My first thought is to get a different thought about my dad, and what he said to me, and that I liked and I resonated with how you said, you know, he didn’t say that to be, you know, mean to me or cruel to me, but he said that to-because he loved me.

Dr: Deb: You believe that now?

Sara: I have. Yeah, I know my dad loved me.

Dr: Deb: Okay. So that’s really good to know. So the only thing is, can you love you now? And be a little kinder?

Sara: I can be, and I need to be.

Dr: Deb: Well, you don’t need to be. But don’t you want to?

Sara: Yeah, I do.

Dr: Deb: And it really, really starts with some compassion for yourself and with a little bit of a broken heart with what you just said, with what I just showed you. Like, that compassion for yourself as, “Oh my god, sweetheart, you’ve been believing that only this time.”

Sara: I know that grieves me. It’s hard to hear that I, you know, when you put it, I mean when I get it in front of me, and I actually see that-how long it’s been. It’s, for goodness sake, I have six grandchildren.

Dr: Deb: I know, but don’t use it as punishment. Don’t use it as punishment.

Sara: Yeah.

Dr: Deb: Like, “What’s the matter with you?” Don’t do that. You’re just going back to that; your brain just wants to keep punishing you. The practice is self-compassion. Like, well, of course, you did. You didn’t know any better. You didn’t know any better until this moment. Thank you for talking to Dr. Deb. I knew that I would help. I’m serious.

Sara: Yes. Thank you. Thank you for stepping out and asking me to do so.

Dr: Deb: I’m telling you to thank yourself for doing this, for you. This is what’s capable for you. This is what’s out here for you-all of it. You can totally love and be kind to yourself. There’s nothing wrong with you.

Sara: Yes, I believe.

Dr: Deb: Yeah.

Sara: There’s nothing wrong with me. It’s hard. Why is that so hard to say? It’s like standing in front of the mirror and looking at myself and saying, “I love you. You look great today.”

Dr: Deb: You can’t do that.

Sara: Those strong affirmations that you’re supposed to say in the mirror are so hard for me, to look at myself.

Dr: Deb: We can’t go from where we are right now to “I love myself, and you are beautiful.” That’s where the laddering comes in; that’s where we’re going to head. Right now, what you need to see is that what I’ve been believing is causing a lot of pain. That’s where I want you to be right now. That’s it. It’s like, if I can change what I think I can feel differently. Because you can see how you have been thinking?

Sara: Uh-huh.

Dr: Deb: It’s hurting.

Sara: Right.

Dr: Deb: That means you can think something different.

Sara: Yes. Have a new thought.

Dr: Deb: Right. And so instead of feeling ashamed, you might start feeling more hopeful. “It’s possible. I can feel different.”

Sara: Yes, it’s possible. Things are happening every day.

Dr: Deb: Well, it’s possible because you just heard this whole thing, and now you see where all your thoughts are.

Sara: Exactly.

Dr: Deb: Now you see the difference between your thoughts and reality, right. And your thoughts are creating much more of your pain than reality. And the beautiful thing about that is, is thoughts can change, and it’s called neuroplasticity. Totally possible.

Sara: I’m excited about that.

Dr: Deb: I would be really excited about it if I was going to continue to work with you, then we would start working on the joy eating and all the pressure you put on yourself about what happens when you’re with other people. Because you have a lot of beliefs about that, that make you eat when you really maybe wouldn’t eat if you didn’t feel like you had to. I don’t care if somebody says to you, “How come you’re not eating?” Why is that a big deal? Why does that cost pressure? It’s like people ask me all the time why I’m not eating. “Because I don’t want it.” And you go, “Oh my god, when somebody asked me that, that’s a big problem. I just need it.”

Sara: I know there’s this obligation.

Dr: Deb: Right?

Sara: Feeling.

Dr: Deb: Yes. So with the time that we have, which is just about over, it’s really something, all of this is going to open up your eyes and your head and probably everybody that’s listening, is to why this coaching is so imperative, and what it brings up. And that how, I mean, because this all came about, everything that we talked about, started out from a joy.

Sara: I know, right.

Dr: Deb: Right, and this is what happens every single time. It’s like, we talk about a brownie and we end up talking about your father. You know, for you, it’s a glass of wine, and then we’re talking about dad. Like where, how does that happen? It happens all the time. That’s why it’s so successful-because it’s not about the food.

Sara: Right.

Dr: Deb: It’s about your brain and what it’s doing, where it’s going, and how to supervise it better.

Sara: That’s excellent.

Dr: Deb: Yeah. So has this been helpful, I hope?

Sara: Oh, my word. Yes, it has. Thank you so much.

Dr: Deb: It was my pleasure, Sara. And I wish I had hours to talk to you because there’s so much in this letter that I did not even get to, but I will tell you this, you are not alone.

Sara: Well, thank you for that. And thank you for your words of wisdom and everything that you’re doing on your podcasts.

Dr: Deb: Thank you.

Sara: You’re amazing.

Dr: Deb: Thank you, Sara, for being brave enough to be on here and to know that if you’re brave enough to be on here with hundreds of people to be coached, that you are worth it. You’re doing it for you, right. That’s why you’re here. Like, I’m just gonna do it because I need it.

Sara: Right.

Dr. Deb: Yeah. That’s what you’ve got going for you is you’ve got you.

Sara: That’s awesome.

Dr. Deb: Thank you, Sara.

Sara: Thank you.

Dr: Deborah Butler: Well, what did I tell you, guys? That was an amazing coaching session. I never ever know where my coaching sessions are going to go because I just go with where my client is and what she brings up. And I really thought I was going to go more to the joy eating and why she’s joy eating and being with her family and the pressure, but did you see that her brain started going back in time. And that’s what I want to show you is that, that is the power of coaching and what the brain does and what it thinks. And as much as I’m not as interested in going back in the past, which is really what therapists do, but what was interesting to me is I’m very interested in what she thinks now about her past. And those thoughts were so treacherous, and I really wanted you to see that, and I wanted her to feel that boy did she. And I think that this is going to be an eye-opener for her and an eye-opener for you.

You know, we were just talking about joy eating, and look where we ended up. That is the power of weight coaching and coaching in general. And this is what I do every day, and it is the privilege I have of working with women around these issues, and the things that it brings up about our minds that we don’t even know are running us. And I just want to end this, because Sara actually ended up writing me a quick letter after this podcast, and it was so touching to me that I just want to share it with you because it was so powerful for her.

So she just wrote: “Hello, Dr. Deb. I can’t even begin to share my gratitude for you for coaching me on your podcast today. It was enlightening, uplifting, and challenging going through the thoughts I’ve had about myself for nearly 50 years. Wow. It was like sitting with a licensed therapist who knew just the right questions to ask. You were unbelievable.”

And I just want to say right here is that I know that she was just giving me a compliment, but I am nothing like a therapist really at all, but my coaching skills really are unbelievable and it brings up so much stuff about the mind and the way that I do it. And so I really just think she was giving me a compliment, but I want you to know that they really are two totally very different things.

And then she went on to say that, “I know the work on my inner core thoughts and beliefs are not over, but I do know in my heart, I will be an overcomer. I will keep you posted how I’m doing if that’s okay.” And she went on to end with saying, “You were remarkably comfortable, brilliant, and beautiful doing our mini session. No doubt, I will continue to share about you and your amazing podcasts to everyone I know. Blessing, Sara.”

You guys, do you believe that I get to do this every day? It is amazing to me. The mind is amazing, the tools that I use are amazing, and it is also everyday amazing to me what food brings up in our own minds. So, if this is something that you’re interested in and you are ready to be coached and to end up, finish the struggle with food in your body, then I just may be your coach. And if you want to find out, all you have to do is go to drdebbutler.com/workwithme, and you can create, you can fill out an application to have a mini session with me to find out if you would be a good fit for my program. And of course, as always, like I told Sara, please open up your heart to yourself and be very, very kind to yourself. Bye bye. See you next week.

Dr. Michael Butler: If you’re ready to take your eating issues to another, higher, more improved level, know it’s time to talk to my wife, Dr. Deborah. She’s helped hundreds and thousands of people. Just visit drdebbutler.com/workwithme. You’ll get a free consultation with Dr. Deb and find out if coaching and talking to my wife is a solution to your struggles.