Ep 185: The Scale is Just a Circumstance

Dr. Deb Butler: Welcome to Thinner Peace in Menopause and Beyond. This is Dr. Deb Butler, master life coach, and as always, your coach. And today is episode number 185. Stay tuned.

Hi, everybody. How are you today? It’s a rainy day here in St. Louis, and I love the rain. Yes, I do. In fact, you know what I love to do the most in the rain? I love to walk in the rain, and I know a lot of people think I’m crazy. In fact, I have people who I walk with on occasions, and they know that if they make a date with me to go walking and it’s raining, I’m still gonna want to go, and they don’t like that because they want to cancel.

And, you know, I think it’s kind of interesting because I used to think that if it was raining, I could never work out, and that’s because of my thoughts about the rain, right? Rain itself is pretty neutral; it’s just a circumstance. It’s just a fact if you think about the model. And my thought about rain was always: I could never walk in the rain, I could never go outside in the rain, I could never go out and play in the rain—I have to stay inside. And of course, I stayed inside, and I ate bonbons, and I watched TV and did all those kinds of things. But now, I know if it’s raining, it makes me want to get outside and play because my mind has changed about it. It really is one of the most fun times for me.

So just a little tidbit about your mind and thinking, as always, there never goes a podcast where I’m not talking about that. But today, what I really want to talk about is a letter that I got from one of you. I love your letters. Please keep them coming. But this one, she is funny.

And so I think her letter is funny, but it’s also very poignant and has a lot of really neat nuggets in it that might help you with wherever you are on this journey, which also reminds me that one of the reasons that I’m reading you on one of the letters, and also I’m going to read you a review from somebody else, is because I want you, if you love this podcast, to make sure that the best way you can thank me—I know a lot of you think you could thank me by writing a letter, and I do love your letters because I love to hear what you’re doing and how it’s helping you and what I can do—but the best way that you can thank me, the very best way that you can thank me, is by going to iTunes and doing a review of this podcast, an honest review.

And if it’s honest—and if it’s five stars—all the better. So, if you really do love this podcast, I really want to encourage you today to go do a review. I’m going to tell you how to do a review again today because I think some people think it’s really hard, and seriously, it only takes about five minutes. I’m going to tell you how to do it from an iPhone—so if you don’t have an iPhone, you’re excused. And then I’m going to read the letter, and then I’m going to read a review.

Okay, so first of all, how to do a review. If you’re on an iPhone, you will see on your iPhone that you have an app that’s called “Podcast.” All you need to do is tap on Podcast. And when you tap on Podcast, you will see at the bottom that you have some icons that say “Listen Now,” “Library,” “Browse,” and “Search.” Go to “Search,” and when you hit “Search,” you will see at the top where you can write in “Thinner Peace in Menopause and Beyond.” Now all you really probably have to do is just write “Thinner Peace,” and you will see that “Thinner Peace in Menopause” will pop up. You will tap that, and as soon as you tap that, you will see my picture pop up.

When you see my picture pop up, which is the icon for the podcast, “Thinner Peace,” you will tap onto my picture. Once you tap onto my picture, you will then see the whole thing, and it’ll show you how many ratings I have, it’ll show you how many stars I have. It’ll have the title. If you haven’t subscribed, please subscribe, and it’ll give you an opportunity to do that right when you look at it. So once you’re on here, then what you do is you will scroll down, and you will see “Available Episodes,” and then you will see “Ratings and Reviews.” Scroll down a little bit beyond “Ratings and Reviews,” and you will see to the left-hand side a little note that says in blue or purple—whatever color you think that is—“Write a Review.”

You will tap on “Write a Review,” and as soon as you tap on “Write a Review,” a screen will come up, and it will have stars up there, it will have a title, and it will have a review, which they say is optional. But of course, it’s not optional if you’re doing this because this is what I’m asking you to do is write a review. So that’s what you do. And as soon as you write it, then what’ll happen is that when you’re through, you will see that “Send” will pop up, and all you have to do is press “Send,” and you are done. That’s it. That’s all you have to do. And seriously, it takes five minutes, and it means a lot to me if you’re really enjoying this.

Okay, so now, once you’ve learned how to write a review, now what I’m going to do is I’m going to read you a letter from one of you, and her name is Kyla. I’m going to read your letter, which thank you very much, you then wrote a review because I asked you to write a review because the letter was so amazing to help other people, and then I will read a review from somebody else.

So before I read the review, I do want to tell you that after I read it, I’m going to make some comments. And I sent a quick letter back to Kyla just telling her that she had really huge awareness, which you will see that she does. But I’m also going to make a few comments on this that might help you, and I think it might help you too, Kyla. Okay, so here’s the letter. And the subject on the letter is, “Thank you for being my lifesaver.” So that’s a good way to get me to open up my mail. I like that subject. Okay.

“Hello, Dr. Deb. So first, yep, I’m your typical client, as you say, built a very successful business from the ground up, and I have struggled with weight my entire life (well, since I was 12). I am an overachiever. That means I do really, really great losing weight, and I do EVEN BETTER putting it right back on.” See, I told you she’s pretty funny. And it also reminds me of myself, and it probably reminds you of you too.

She goes on to say, “I’ve refused to diet for the last 6 to 7 years because I felt as if each rebound became progressively worse. So I decided to stop until I could find something that came naturally and wasn’t forced. I’ve tried it all, Weight Watchers, Slim Genics, Paleo AIP, Thyroid meds… All of it worked for a few pounds and then stopped. I could force some of them to work longer, but stopped after I realized it was not really the diet but my self-control that was the driving force – that which always seemed to have an expiration date.” And I love the way she says that because really, all she’s saying is willpower only lasts so long. And we certainly know from research that it doesn’t last forever, and you only have so much of it.

She then goes on to say, “And then YOU finally came along and have changed my life. I’ve power-listened to 70 episodes over the past 12 days (like I said, I am an overachiever, haha.) And, yes, the weight is finally coming off. I don’t know how much, and I don’t care. I’ve also refused to define myself by the scale, so I haven’t been on it in 6 months… But I can tell my figure is looking better, which is all that matters.

Being overweight was always my biggest nemesis, meaning I always thought, “If I could just be skinny, I’d be happy.” And, yes, I will also admit that the few times I was a size 4, I was still unhappy. HUH, go figure, right?!?! After listening to you, I’ve come to see that weight was really not my biggest nemesis. My inability to control my own thoughts were really what was causing more trouble than my cravings. Cravings are really just a teeny weeny, little side effect.

I want to share my biggest success with you, which isn’t about weight at all. I am easily irritated, agitated, frustrated—call it what you want—if things are not going perfectly, I oftentimes “lose it” emotionally by getting upset, which involves lots of screaming, foot stomping, arm flailing, and plenty of cussing—you get the picture! BUT I’ve finally learned now how to identify this as simply a negative vibration from the “little kid in my brain running around with a knife,” as you say.

So this morning, I wasn’t feeling good (sore throat and a bit of nausea) but I had an appointment with a client. First, I couldn’t find my keys, and then once I finally switched all my stuff into my other car and got on the road, about a mile down the road, I had to come back for something I forgot. I hate being late, and usually, one setback is enough to upset me, but three in a row means I’m a HOT MESS!

Normally, there would be lots and lots of negative vibrations and all while telling myself how “imperfect I am and that I need to do better.” But this morning, I was able to just say to myself, “It is what it is, I am going to choose not to get upset.” And I didn’t have a single negative vibration, nobody got yelled at, my arms did not flail, my feet did not stomp, and my mouth did not cuss. It was so amazing to feel calm in that situation and finally take control of my own thoughts. That is a big deal. A very, very big deal.

I have to say I think the self-compassion aspect of your teaching is the most important aspect. There are so many awesome tools, but I feel this is the most important. I always felt like I was successful because of this need to be “perfect” was what drove me. But it caused so many other negative emotions and side effects in my life, and weight is just one of them.

I’d also like to report that in just a few short days (12), my brain is already re-wired to stop and listen when I have a craving. I’m really starting to understand what the negative two feels like. It is amazing—it’s just amazing—how great I feel. I’m not even taking my supplements that I used to literally stuff down my throat to help with my “mood.” Like you said, “I always had the power,” and I have finally found it!

I’ve learned so much—the least of which is about weight loss even though that is what drew me, to begin with. I told a friend at lunch (who is one of many I’ve shared your podcasts with)… “Listen, I now know 2 things every day: number one, I won’t be hungry the rest of the day, and two, I will get to indulge in a food I absolutely love. That is powerful.

THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! From the bottom of my heart for making this podcast. I know my family appreciates it, too. I just hope it’s not too late for me to teach my 17- and 14-year-old children how to correctly deal with negative thoughts because, unfortunately, I haven’t been a great role model up until this point. I know it’s not too late, because I’m 45, and I just learned myself.”

Isn’t that just a beautiful letter? I’m so touched by it. But here’s the thing that I really want to kind of give a little insight on that I see in this, that I think many of you have in the letters that I write you, and it’s about the scale. Now, the scale has never been your enemy. And what Kyla says is she hasn’t been on it for six months, but she knows that she’s losing weight. But what I want to say is, why don’t you just get on the scale and see how much weight you’ve lost?

Here’s the thing, we all think the scale is our nemesis; it has the power to make or break our day according to what the number says. And guess what? The number on the scale, according to the model, is just a circumstance or a fact, and all circumstances and facts are just neutral. So the number is neutral, and the only problem with the number is what the mind of the person that’s on the scale thinks about it. Now, many of you have very many thoughts about that number—if it goes up, if it goes down, and if it stays the same, and it affects how you decide to treat yourself going forward.

So what Kyla is saying, “I’m just not going to look at it,” because maybe it’ll say something—this is what I’m assuming—that maybe it won’t give her the number that she wants, and it’ll frustrate her or something. That’s what I think for many of you, and certainly, that’s what I used to think about me. Because I know when I used to go to Weight Watchers, and I was going to get on the scale, I would take off as much as I could without being naked, so I could weigh as little as possible, so I could feel as good as possible about the number, as if that number has so much power. Seriously. I used to take off—I used to have a beautiful Rolex watch—and I would take it off every single time I went on that scale because I thought it would affect the number. Crazy thinking.

So Kyla, and the rest of you, when it comes to the scale—the scale is just a tool, and it is a useful tool if you’re trying to lose weight. It tells you what you’re doing, it tells you about your behavior, what you’ve done in the past day or in the past week. That’s all, you know, in terms of what you’re eating. It gives you information.

It does not make or break your day; it is not a worth-o-meter. It’s not a scale that tells you how worthy or unworthy you are. It is not a scale that tells you how happy or unhappy you should be. It is just a number that tells you the number of what your body weighs. And if you’re trying to lose weight, the number is important to see so that you can decide if you want to change what you’re doing, keep what you’re doing, whatever, right? If you’re a fact person, this is just a fact.

Now, when you look in your bank account, you see a number, right? I don’t know if it makes or breaks your day, but if it’s not what you want it to be, then you need to look and see what you’ve done. “Oh my gosh, I forgot I just spent $500 on something. I forgot I got that from Amazon.” That would be me ordering from Amazon. But seriously, it’s just information.

So, listen, get on the scale. Get on the scale a lot until your mind can calm down, until your mind can be a little bit more neutral, and use it to help you move forward. I have so many clients that get so upset when the number doesn’t want them to do what they want to do, and they feel frustrated. Think of this as the model. The circumstance is there’s a number on the scale, and it went up. That’s a fact. The thought is: this isn’t working anymore. The feeling is: frustration, and the frustration creates an action, and guess what the action is of “This isn’t working anymore.” You end up choosing nonfuel foods and overeating, and the result, of course, is it’s not working.

So listen, all of my dear sweethearts, I love you all, but you got to realize that this scale does not have that power. If the number goes up, you just have to tweak something. If the number goes down, you just have to keep doing what you’re doing. If the number stays the same, you make a decision. You’re doing everything you need to be doing. You could be doing something different, but never, it’s not working when you’re working on it—that is a lie you tell yourself, and it creates everything you don’t want. Be very cautious.

Kyla, I want to thank you for this beautiful letter. Everybody that’s listening, I hope that she has helped you realize a lot of things about yourself. And of course, one of the things that Kyla says that many of my clients say is that it’s really not about the weight at all. it’s kind of like extra weight is a symptom of what’s going on in your own mind that needs a little tweaking. That’s it.

So, as Kyla said in her letter, one of the biggest things that she’s learned is this: self-compassion and being kind to yourself. So, of course, you know how I’m ending this podcast. As Kyla says, and as I’m telling you, be very, very, very kind to yourself, and I’ll see you next week. And hey, by the way, I said I was going to read another review today, but I got so involved with Kyla’s letter and my response to it that I will read the review to you next week. But meantime, you go to iTunes, and you do that review for me. Bye-bye.

Dr. Michael Butler: To get a free copy of Dr. Deb’s companion workbook, with all the tools, homeworks, and discussions that she uses in our podcasts with our private clients, please go to drdebbutler.com/change. This will make it even easier to follow along with her in future broadcasts.