Ep 187: Lose the Weight, Feel Your Feelings & Find Your Amazing with Christina

Dr. Deborah Butler: Welcome to Thinner Peace and Menopause and Beyond. This is Dr. Deb Butler, master life and weight coach. And as always, your coach. Today is episode number 187. And I’ve got a special treat for you today, and it’s not something you can put in your mouth. It’s something that you can put in your brain. It’s a special interview with one of my most beloved clients. Stay tuned.

Hi, everyone. How are you today? Like I said, I’ve got one of my most beloved clients who wants to come on today and to spread the inspiration on how she and I have worked together, and how it’s changed her life. And you know what, I tell you guys this all the time that this stuff that I do, the program that I work, the tools that I teach are life changing. And these clients of mine that come on this podcast, I don’t pay them, I don’t force them. They do it because they want to. And I want that to be an inspiration for you, that the work, that the peace is possible for you.

So in this interview, you’re going to meet Christina, one of my clients that I just finished working with. And I guess the thing that stands out to me about her, more than anything that I think that you’ll hear, is that she really believes she’s amazing. And actually, that was her compelling reason of why she wanted to do this work. Because we worked on it for a while about having a compelling reason why you want to do this work, and I’m telling you fitting into smaller clothes and being healthier is not compelling. Because if it was, every single one of you tells me that and none of you do anything about it for all of these years. So you’re going to have to have something more compelling. And for her, she decided her compelling reason was to believe that she is amazing, and that she can feel her feelings in order for her to be at her natural weight.

And I want to tell you something, it was compelling for her because it’s the one thing she didn’t want to do or didn’t know how to do was to feel her feelings instead of using food. And so therefore, she had no peace around food because she always believed that food was controlling her, and that the scale was out of control.

So when we first started working together, she was desperate as she’ll tell you because she did not know how to control the food that was going in her mouth, which was affecting the scale that she also felt she had no control over. I want you to just sit back, or enjoy your walk, or enjoy your drive, and listen to this beautiful interview with Christina. And then I’ll get back on the end and say a few things.

Dr. Deb: Hi, Christina. Welcome to the podcast.

Christina: Thank you so much for having me. It’s a pleasure.

Dr. Deb: Well, we have been on such a beautiful journey together, and I just couldn’t wait. After probably our last four or five sessions, I just couldn’t wait. I knew that you would be so inspirational to come on this podcast and inspire other people. I really did. And so I guess what I want to know from you first is how did you decide, number one, to work with me? But number two, what made you decide that you needed a coach, period?

Christina: Sure. First, it’s an honor. So I listened to you and I had been listening to you for about a year. And I was desperate. I was stuck and frustrated, and was hitting a number on the scale to the point that I wouldn’t get on the scale anymore. I knew that, yeah, I knew that something needed to change, and was searching for something. And frankly, I was blaming menopause and needed a solution.

And so I found your podcast, and it kind of was odd that there was someone who talked about exactly where I was at this stage of life, and kind of was hooked. And then you had a session, it was like a coaching session, it was a webinar or something in the spring. And I wasn’t able to get into it by the time I finally decided to do it. So that led me to having a mini session, which was really interesting and eye opening. And I recognize right off the bat that you had something that you could teach me, that would make my life better.

Even listening to the podcast, I didn’t quite know what that meant for me. But I knew that I needed to try something. And I think the other thing that was really interesting is, you know, as life sort of unfolds, I had literally like two weeks before that I had gotten a bonus. And so I decided that I was going to use that money for me. And I was initially thinking that I was going to buy a couch, and that I made a much better investment than a new couch. And it just was like that, that was where I was supposed to be. And then the hard work really began but amazing, amazing where I am today in such a short amount of time.

Dr. Deb: Wow. Okay, so I think and you can tell me where I’m wrong. Was the hardest part for you deciding to talk to me? You know, like what made you go— ‘cause, how long were you listening to the podcast?

Christina: About six months.

Dr. Deb: So what made you go from just listening to deciding that maybe you needed to talk to me? Like, what was that for you? Like, why wasn’t the podcast enough?

Christina:  It was that number on the scale that I just couldn’t do it anymore. I needed to make a change. And I knew I needed to make a change. And I knew what I was doing wasn’t working, and I needed a coach, I needed some help. And of course, I’ve tried Weight Watchers, and I’m a lifetime member, and all those things.

Dr. Deb: Me too! We’re twinsies.

Christina: But that wasn’t working. And I had even joined a gym. I had been working out for almost a year, and was gaining weight from the gym, certainly got stronger, which was great, and I feel better. But it was not contributing to weight loss. And now I understand why.

Dr. Deb: Hmm, why?

Christina: Because I wasn’t managing my mind.

Dr. Deb: And maybe you weren’t managed because you weren’t managing your mind, you really weren’t really concentrating and being connected to what you were putting in your mouth.

Christina: Yes, or what I was feeling. Amongst all of not being connected to my mind, I could have easily have three conversations going on at the same time, in my brain, while driving. And also then not be connected at all to my feelings even though I thought I was. You know, one of the things you say is to take very good care of yourself. And when we had our mini session I was like, “Well I do that.” Right? Like, of course, you know, little defensive here, a little competitiveness in me. And I was like, “I get manicures, and pedicures, and massages, and I go to the gym. I do take care of me.” But I didn’t realize what I wasn’t doing. Like I just thought it was those superficial things and I wasn’t managing my mind, or frankly my feelings either as healthy of a way as I do today. I don’t want to pass judgment on the past me. I did the best I could then. But the new me’s really new and improved.

Dr. Deb: Yes. And like what I think is the difference for you is that like, what you thought taking care of yourself was, you know, the external stuff. And now the way that you take care of yourself when you talk about managing your mind, I think what you’re talking about is that you’re so much kinder to yourself with the way that you talk to yourself.

Christina: Yes, for sure.

Dr. Deb: And that is, I think a missing link of taking care of yourself is how you talk to yourself.

Christina: And I’m still working on that.

Dr. Deb: Me too.

Christina: To be honest.

Dr. Deb: Me too, to be honest.

Christina: I love when I listen to you call yourself, you know, “darling”, “beautiful”, those kinds of things in such an honorable way. And I’m continuing to sort of add that to how I talk to myself, but I certainly am more kind to myself. And I also choose what I want to think about situations in a way that I never did before. That has been actually very empowering.

You’ve also challenged me to be more curious. And with that, to be curious about how I’m thinking or what I’m thinking. And also reflecting on how I used to think is always interesting, as well.

Dr. Deb: Yeah. And I think when you’re talking about being curious, again, it has to do more with you can either be very judgmental of yourself, and very unkind. Or you can become more curious about yourself, and ask yourself questions in such a kind of way that you actually get answers, which is what I saw for you.

Christina: Yeah, and also with other people, in not being judgmental of people, of situations. But it really stemmed with being judgmental of myself. And I used to be pretty good at that.

Dr. Deb: You were very good at that. You are very, very good at that. But the only reason you were so good at that is because you thought it would get you what you wanted.

Christina: Right, right.

Dr. Deb: That’s all.

Christina: Yep.

Dr. Deb: And you know, when I think about working with you, Christina, some of the work that we did—we did a lot—and I don’t want to go into it a lot, other than for you maybe just a comment, that there were a lot of things that had happened in your past that you were using in your present moment against yourself. And I think like out of all the clients that I’ve worked with, I think I saw you manage your mind more in the present time consciousness about your past, so that you actually could use what happened in your past to help you move forward instead of to limit you. Can you say just something about that?

Christina: Sure. I mean, the narrative for me and that I continue to have throughout the past 40 years, if you will, was that I went to a fat camp when I was a kid. And at that time, I think I weighed 128 pounds. That stuck with me, that also meant that there was something wrong with me because I didn’t go to a regular camp. And you really helped me to change that mindset, which was: “did you have fun? Did you do enjoyable things? Did you learn some things? Did you meet other kids and have a good time?” You know, it was the first time I think I ever went, it was the first and only time I ever went away to camp. And it was like, yeah, actually, it was camping. It was fun. And I got to go canoeing, and I took the canoe. And like when you start to think about it in such a different way, I’m like, irregardless of that’s what it was for, I had a great time. So why have I been stigmatizing myself when it actually was a really great experience? And yes, I lost some weight when I was there. But I had a great camp experience, and didn’t have to continue to label myself in a way that I had chosen to label myself.

Dr. Deb: For 40 years?

Christina: For at least 40 years, yeah.

Dr. Deb: Right. And I just think that was so monumental for you, because a lot of people, you know, they use their past against themselves.

Christina: Yes.

Dr. Deb: Right. And they just keep going back in it. And I love for you now, how you’re so present time consciousness. And when I think about that, one of the main things that I think about you is we came up with a compelling reason for why you wanted to do this work other than to be healthy and fit in small clothes. Do you remember what that compelling reason is? Because I have it sitting right in front of me because I love it so much.

Christina: The one we ended up working on?

Dr. Deb: Yes.

Christina: Because I took that as a homework assignment and my first round was a little bit more like work than actually really connecting to myself. But yes, it was to be my amazing self, and to feel my feelings, and to be at my natural weight, in order to be at my natural weight. And I continue to grow in my amazingness and I continue to lose weight. And I am going to get to my natural weight, I’m not there yet, but it’s going to happen for me.

Dr. Deb: Right and, you know, I know without a doubt that it is just when I hear you talk. And I also believe that you do think you’re amazing now.

Christina: I do, not in an egotistical way. But I didn’t connect with that peace, I think I thought you had to do things to be amazing. And we would talk about how much I was really good at my A line and the action items to get the result that you wanted as opposed to, you already are amazing. Food isn’t going to make you more amazing. Food is fuel. And somehow that was all just really mixed up for me.

Dr. Deb: And not only that, that you’re amazing right now, you don’t have to be skinny to be amazing. But by thinking that you’re amazing, do you think that it just helps you take better care of yourself now instead of shaming yourself and telling yourself how fat you are all the time? Because that’s where you were when we first started.

Christina: Right. Yeah, I mean, even just how I present myself. I dress better. I’m more effective in my work, and even in my personal life. I look forward to exercising on the weekends because I can spend more time exercising. Like all of those things that’s me and nature, and I love that. And reconnecting like to what is joy for me. I thought I had that until, even I remember doing the worksheet the first time I did it, I was like, “Really? I don’t have more things on this list? Really?” And now I easily could, you know, have a full page of things that bring me joy. And just, I didn’t even acknowledge how I was disconnected with that and the role that food played for me. But I’m still growing in that amazingness and it is really, truly unbelievable and rewarding. I don’t know what else to say.

Dr. Deb: Yeah, so to hear you so like, what would you say like, out of all the things that we’ve done, because when we started doing no flour and no sugar, that was something that—and not everybody does it, but I gave you the option to think about doing that. And at first you didn’t want to do it.

Christina: Mm hmm.

Dr. Deb: Why didn’t you want to do it?

Christina: It was all about what I was going to lose out on. It was all about deprivation for me. And how long I was thinking that way in the way that I ate has been for years now that I look back on that. I think I was even angry about it. I’m like, “Well, I’ve done a whole 30. And I lost, you know, only a few pounds.” That didn’t really work for me and you sort of challenged me. You left it up to me whether or not I want to do it. And now I’m going on month three, not having flour and sugar. And it’s just, that’s my lifestyle now.

I mean, it was amazing how quickly I was able to, once you get over the hump, to not really want that. It’s not that I can’t have those things—I can, but I don’t feel good now when I eat those kinds of things. It’s not a joy food for me, like, I might have thought that it was. So it is the right thing that works for me. And to be honest, that was one of the things that I’m most grateful of is figuring out what works for me and my body. And what makes me feel healthier and happier. And that does attribute to more joy in my life. So yeah, but no, I did not really, honestly I didn’t want to do it.

Dr. Deb: I know, I know. That is why I want to talk about it. And the reason that you didn’t want to do it is because you didn’t want to do something like you said, “Oh, I’ve done all that before,” which is what a lot of people say. And it’s like, “Had you really ever done this before, what we did.”

Christina: What also was really a helpful tool for me again, I will admit, I didn’t really want to do it, and I actually still do it today which blows my mind, is the food journal. And writing it down, and seeing it, and taking credit for it, you know, and understanding what was really happening in terms of how you’re eating or not eating has also been really helpful in all of this transition.

Dr. Deb: So do you think now, I mean, do you think because you stopped using food to try to either not feel or to think that you were getting joy from food, do you think now that you don’t do that, and I think you already said this but I do want you to repeat it, is that you get so much more joy out of life because you’re not using food as an escape or instead of?

Christina: Absolutely. I was missing out on the other things because it was always about the food. And I would say I was a self-professed foodie, but that really wasn’t it. It really was how I was using food for joy. And food was a friend. It was always there, and available, and dependable, and would evoke a feeling, potentially of joy, not always sometimes afterwards you would eat something. But that’s not the case now and what happens then is you are really more available for the joy that really is in front of you.

Dr. Deb: And I love that you said that and really what you’re saying is that you are available. I’m not available. But what you have found for yourself is that you are more available to the joy that is in front of you because you’re not using food to numb your feelings.

Christina: Absolutely.

Dr. Deb: Right. So you actually get to feel your feelings more, which is what you were saying, which was what was going to— by believing that you’re amazing and able to feel your feelings is how you would end up being at your natural weight. And so, would you say you’re able to feel all of your feelings more? Like, maybe not just the amazing feelings but also the more negative emotions too, without thinking you have to eat?

Christina: I do. And at times, I really do have to have a conversation in my mind.

Dr. Deb: Tell me about that conversation.

Christina: The conversation is again, and this is in part from listening to you too, is that: “is it that you really are hungry? Is it that you’re really tired? Is it that you really are none of those and let’s change our thoughts about that, and get back to whatever it is that you’re doing?” Or, “Oh no. Forget it, in half an hour you’re meeting some friends,” right? Like, whatever it might be that really is more the joyful thing. And then at times where whatever the feeling might be, if it’s a negative feeling or a sad feeling, that just to also feel that and not to push it down. Because then you can move on from it. That is a much more healthier way to live, that you can feel your feelings. And then I think for me at times, feelings were so overwhelming and stifling, because they’d be so overwhelming. And now it’s because I choose about how I want to think about that.

I’ll share with you on the way to work today. And I was thinking about my day and some really difficult things that are in front of me. And I started to have somewhat of a pity party in my head. And it started me sort of going backwards, I will remember when that happened. And then I literally stopped myself while I’m driving. And said, “No, that’s not the choice I’m going to make today. That’s not how I’m going to think about this. And perhaps that happened in the past, but I’m going to make this the best experience I can for my team, for our patients, and for all that I can do. And I’m not going to have a pity party. It’s Friday. That’s not where I’m going to go today.” And really kind of, and I honored the past, but this was about how do I want my future to be for myself, even if this is a difficult situation. And I’m having a great Friday.

Dr. Deb: Yes. And so what I think that you’re saying is that you’re able to become more of an observer of your own thinking, and what it’s creating, and you’ve learned how to interrupt it. And for people that are listening to this, this is a little bit more advanced, but this is what happens when we’re working, is that first you understand how your mind works. And then once you can see your own thinking, because that’s what you did, you just saw it, and you go, “Wait a minute.” It was almost like, this is what I call self-kindness, is that you almost did it, and you didn’t call yourself “sweetheart.” But it was almost like, “wait a minute.” But really, it was just, “wait a minute.” It’s like talking to somebody that you love so much. It’s like maybe you could look at this in a different way and not feel like this today. And that’s what I call beautiful self-care. And that’s what I think you have become brilliant at.

Christina: Thank you. Thank you. It really is, you know, you call your podcast Thinner Peace and Menopause. And I think I shared with you, it was like the second to last time we worked together that I finally felt that peace. And to be able to—I had no idea that the outcome in such a short amount of time, I mean 12 sessions is not a lot of time, in such a short amount of time that I would be able to have peace with food. I think I don’t even dream that that was going to be the outcome of our work together. But what a huge relief that is, that food doesn’t dictate my life, because it did. I was always thinking about the next meal, do I have a snack? Am I going to be hungry? Whatever the case might be. And now it’s about fueling my body and experiencing the rest of life instead of having food really dictate how I live my life. And I’m very grateful for that sense of peace that you helped me get.

Dr. Deb: Wow. And that’s probably the biggest thing. Well, that was probably the biggest thing for me too, is to know that food does not have control over me. And food does not have control over you. And I think when we first started talking, that was part of your frustration, right? It’s like you didn’t like what the scale says. Because basically what the scale was saying was kind of showing that you were using food in a way that you believed you couldn’t control. And therefore the scale was showing it and the whole thing was frustrating. And that’s why you felt so desperate is because you didn’t think you had any control.

Christina: Absolutely.

Dr. Deb: Okay. So tell me what you think now.

Christina: Now, I think it’s up to me what I think, number one.

Dr. Deb: I love it. I love it.

Christina: And I choose that, even before now I get out of bed, I’ll say an intention sort of for the day of how I want my day to be and what I’m going to think about my day. As opposed to sort of reacting to the day. And that’s very empowering. So I think it’s up to me how I want to live my life. And I think I have control over that, and what I want to eat, and how I want to eat. And the results are a joyful, happy life. And I get to be my amazing me, and still connect, and get to know, you know, the amazing person that I am. And I did the work. I mean, it was work. But the results and the tools that I have now are truly amazing. And I actually went back to your book not too long ago, and now I’m reading The Flame. I’m reading that. So I mean, again, you have so many tools even beyond our coaching that just can help me continue on my path. So, again, beyond grateful, and joyful, and happy, and in how I approach my life in such a different way.

Dr. Deb: Wow. Would you say that this was a better investment than a couch?

Christina: A hundred, hundred times better than a couch. Absolutely, absolutely. Yes.

Dr. Deb: Did you feel like it that you got your money’s worth?

Christina: And then some, honestly. And then some.

Dr. Deb: And you know, I think something that maybe you can address a little bit for people who are listening to this. Was it difficult for you to decide? Well, you said that you had that bonus so you wanted to invest that money in yourself. And I think that because it’s an expensive program. What would you say to somebody else out there that’s listening, that because I talked to a lot of people who think it’s just such an amazing program, and then they hear the price, and then they’re afraid to go all in on themselves.

Christina: I think we have one life, and it is our life. And it’s up to us to enjoy that life. And if you feel that food is getting in your way of enjoying your life, there is a solution. And Dr. Deb Butler is part of that solution. And it is such a small amount of money in the end of the scope of life, to really make a difference in your life and enjoy your life. And it also affects everyone in your life, how I interact with my family, how I interact at work. I mean, people are seeing the results, even without talking about this, you know, and explaining it to the level of detail of you know how I think differently. And it makes such a resounding impact for the rest of your life. I mean, I still have another 50 years to go. So I want to enjoy my life, and that this transition time to really reflect on what’s important to us. And if we don’t put ourselves first nobody else will. And it’s such a worthwhile investment.

Dr. Deb: I love it. I love it. Listen, this has been the most amazing interview. Thank you so much for being here and for giving me the privilege of working with you. It has been an honor.

Christina: Thank you, thank you, grateful for everything, and for you entering my life, and making such a difference. And for all the joy that I get to experience because of all that you’ve taught me and I’m on my way. And so thank you for having me on today. Just an honor to be here and to call you my friend. So thank you so much.

Dr. Deb: What did I tell you? She’s amazing. I know she’s amazing. She knows she’s amazing. And now you know, she’s amazing. Like she said, she has another 50 years of her life and to her, the investment that she made in herself in this program was nothing compared to what she believes she now has to look forward to in the next 50 years of her life.

I love when she said that she is at peace with food. And what I also will add to that, what I know about her, is she’s also at peace with herself. And that she has more joy in her life only because she creates it. That’s also available to you, too.

So, if this is something that you want to do. If you’re ready to get peace in your body, peace in your mind, and peace around food, and to know how amazing you are, then all you have to do is set up a mini session with me. And we can find out if I would be the right coach for you to help you the way that I just did with Christina. All you have to do is go to drdebbutler.com/workwithme, and you can fill out an application, and set up an appointment. What are you waiting for? That’s all I’m going to ask, what are you waiting for?

And of course, until next week, there’s only one other thing that I have to say. And Christina couldn’t have said it better because all she knows how to do now is she knows how to talk to herself. And she knows how to talk to herself the way she takes care of herself by being very, very kind to herself. So of course, I’m going to tell you, no matter what else you do this week, please, please, please be very, very kind to yourself. And I’ll talk to you next week. Bye-bye.

Dr. Michael Butler: Hope you enjoyed this podcast with my wife, Dr. Deborah. I’ve enjoyed working with her and living with her. That’s right, we work and live together for 40 years—more than 40 years. It’s amazing how time flies. And it’s been like a little tree growing in the yard. Now, it’s a big tree—our love. So I would like to invite you to correspond with Dr. Deborah. Go to iTunes, drdebbutler.com/iTunes, and you can review the show. And you can even give some helpful suggestions on what you would like to talk about in the future to accomplish your mindfulness and your journey into mindfulness. Thank you.