Ep 184: Why This Is the Last Time You Will Lose Weight with Bridget

Dr. Deb Butler: Welcome to the Thinner Peace in Menopause and Beyond. This is Dr. Deb Butler, master life and weight coach. And as always, your coach. Today is episode number 184. Stay tuned.

Hi, everybody. How are you today? It’s a beautiful day in St. Louis, Missouri. I keep telling you that, but I absolutely love summer. And I just got back from Steamboat Springs, Colorado, for a week. I went with my sisters and met up with all of my first cousins at one of my cousin’s home in Steamboat Springs, and we had the most delightful time. But probably one of the most fun things was that I was with two of my three sisters, and we go on trips together a lot. We usually go with my mom.

I probably done some podcasts on it. And there’s, we all slept in the same room together, we shared a bed together, we laughed together, we screamed at each other together, and we just had so much fun on top of being with all of our cousins that we’ve grown up with, being in the mountains hiking, having great meals together.

And for sure, for me, and just as a clue to you, that food really is still so low on the totem pole, but so necessary.  You know, I had to eat, because if I don’t eat, I don’t feel, and then I can’t do anything. But still, you know, overall, it’s just food. I enjoyed it, but I enjoyed the company so much more. And I still love that it’s just so easy to stay within my own hunger scale to eat when I’m hungry, to stop when I’m full, and to eat mostly fuel food and be totally okay with it and never feel deprived, never feel restricted, always know that it’s me who’s choosing what I want to eat—food does not choose me.

And hey, I’m talking to you. Food doesn’t choose you either; you get to decide. So as I’m talking about this, it brings me to what I want to talk to you about today. And as you know, I’ve had a lot of clients on lately. I’ve just had so many wonderful sessions with so many beautiful people, and I keep wanting to bring it to you because I want to share it with you because it’s possible for you too.

But anyway, one of my clients who I’ve been working with for a while now, her name is Bridget. Actually, I am going to bring her on the podcast and interview her because you’re going to love her, and she has got so much to share. But one of the tools that I use with my clients as they’re ending programs is the tool of “Why is this the last time I will have to lose weight again?”

Because that’s one of the things that people who work with me, or even people who listen to this podcast, I want that one to be one of the thoughts that you believe with all of your heart, and that you say it to yourself often, and that you believe it 100%, and that you’re totally committed to taking care of yourself. And I think that when you can get this tool straight with you, and that you know without a doubt that what you’re writing is true for you, then the result of weight loss and feeling fit and feeling in control is the only possible outcome of that.

So Bridget, who I’ve been working with for a while, as I told you, wrote this, and she’s a writer. So she tends to write a lot, but she tends to write beautifully and is able to put down in words things that I can’t even tell you. She’s that good at it, which is why I really wanted to read this whole letter to you, and I will tell you that because she’s a writer, and she thinks very, very deeply, which is what I love because when I’m working with clients, I really—we go deep. So I love that she likes to go deep and that she likes to write it out and likes to figure it out for herself, and so this may be helpful to you too.

But when she wrote this and sent it to me, I really was just so touched for her that she has had this experience. And therefore, I really want to share this with you and even share some of her struggles that she writes about in this because, you know, stress is not your problem; stress is not why you gain weight. You know, 99% of everybody that I talk to tells me that’s the reason why they’ve gained weight, why they can’t take weight off—because of stress.

And what you’re going to learn in this letter from Bridget on why this is her very last time, is that she has learned how to manage and handle negative emotion. So let me read it, and I’ll probably talk a little bit about it as I’m reading it. But you know, she gave me permission to read this to you, and as I said to you, it is personal. There are some personal things in it, but she’s totally great about it, and she wants to share it, and she wants to be of service to whoever needs what she has to offer.

And also, I’ll say, she’s also going to coach training at the Life Coach School to become a coach. So, and that happens a lot with a lot of my clients as they want to end up becoming life coaches because of their experiences. Here, let me start the letter, and I’ll talk about it as I read it, but just sit back and listen to Bridget as she tells you about this experience that she has been through that I think will touch your heart too.

So she starts as to, “Why this is the last time I’ll ever lose weight.

I went on my first diet at 11 years old, and that’s when I started drinking too. My weight has gone up and down about 30 pounds for my entire life. I tortured myself by obsessing about my weight and food. I also used to exercise excessively in my attempts to lose weight and be more fit, I am a Weight Watchers lifetime member and have been on countless diets. Prior to now, the thinnest I’ve ever been was 118 pounds. I felt crazed and was not happy at all at that time. I ate very little and ignored my hunger until it screamed. Whenever I got to 120, my dream weight, I’d go right back up, usually to about 130, then the cycle would begin again.”

So before I continue to read the letter, I know all of you have different weights that you want and different amounts of weight that you want to lose. So the number that we’re talking about—even the number of pounds that anybody wants to lose—is irrelevant to the story in the obsession of the mind about the weight. That’s what I want you to pay attention to. And the other thing I want you to pay attention to in this letter—because I don’t talk about it as much—is that I work with a lot of clients that also have a lot of thoughts and obsessiveness about alcohol, which is very, very similar to food.

So with Bridget, we were really working on alcohol and food at the same time, and I have different plans and different ideas for ways to handle alcohol and different ways to handle food, but the urges are all the same. And for those of you who feel like you know, wine is the problem or food and wine is the problem, you really want to listen to this because there really is hope for overdrinking and overeating, and there are so many similarities. And Bridget is one of those clients that was working with both of them, and you’ll hear her honesty about all of it. So I’m going to continue with the letter now.

“I have now weighed 115 pounds for 2 and 1/2 months. My thoughts about food and weight are completely different than they have ever been. I never could have imagined that my thoughts were what I needed to change. I no longer want many of the foods I used to eat, especially those with flour and sugar or processed foods. I no longer overeat or eat for reasons other than hunger. I no longer obsess about food. I eat healthy fuel foods when I’m hungry and stop when I’m satisfied. I still enjoy food, but I don’t use it to numb my feelings. I feel my feelings now.

I know this is the last time I will ever lose weight because when I feel strong feelings—which I have many times while losing 15 pounds—I don’t want to reach for food. I understand that reaching for food will not help. I feel almost no urge to do this with food, and when I see others doing it, I can remember what that felt like and feel awe that I no longer do it myself. I understand that I rewired my brain so that it no longer connects overeating with pleasure. It connects overeating with pain, so the tiny urges that remain are easily managed by allowing myself to feel whatever feelings are causing the temptation.

I know this is the last time I will need to lose weight because I eat great fuel foods when I’m hungry and stop when I’m satisfied. I know this is the last time I will need to lose weight because I no longer crave or miss flour and sugar. I know this is the last time I will need to lose weight because my brain knows that overeating is false pleasure and that I have true joy available to me at all times. I can always choose to feel it, no matter the circumstances.

I know this is the last time I will ever need to lose weight because my body and I are communicating beautifully. I was a chubby kid from as far back as I can remember, but now, I am honoring my body’s true needs. I can’t fathom trading this stunning love affair that my body and I now have for the taste of anything. Having no desire whatsoever for pizza on my recent trip to New York City was pretty much the nail in the coffin of the life of my obsession with food. The best pizza in New York City, or any other food on the planet, could never compete with feeling light, healthy, energized, and in control of my life. Not over-feeding my body is part of my self-care now.

Any time I feel the slightest urge to eat for reasons other than fuel or to eat foods that are not healthy for my body, I have countless thoughts to think to remind me of all the reasons I never want to do it again. And here are just a few.”

And I want to interject right now because I want you to really pay attention to these thoughts that she uses now to help her manage how she treats herself, And you can use any of these for yourself, try them on, and if they feel right, I really encourage you to use them too. So here she goes with what some of her thoughts are:

“Number one. Not overeating has provided me with so much extra time. I now see how much time and energy I was wasting preparing too much food, mindlessly eating meals that were way too huge, snacking all day, stopping at shops to buy crappy treats, and just thinking all day about food. I would be eating one thing and fantasizing about how soon I could eat again and what I would eat next. It is so freeing to spend so much less time thinking about food. There are so many other fun and wonderful things to think about and do. I am way more caught up on my work and doing more fun and meaningful activities as a result. I’m also connecting with people more since I have more time and energy. 

Number two. I am saving so much money. I used to go out to hearty, expensive dinners with wine all the time on my regular work trips, and now, I mostly eat a light salad and little or no wine while away. Since I’m eating so much less, I can take much better advantage of my free food too. I’ve been stocking up on fruit and nuts from the complimentary breakfasts in hotels, which can often get me through to dinner and help me avoid the unhealthy foods often offered at training programs I’m leading. I had a lovely plate of free spinach salad and other raw veggies with dressing for dinner from the lounge club for my airline before my flight tonight, and that’ll carry me through till I get to eat again.

Number three. I am indulging in much more self-care and enjoyable activities instead of snacking and drinking at night when I’m home. I read, meditate, watch uplifting TV shows, spend time connecting with family or friends, go in our Jacuzzi, and so many other activities that uplift and relax me instead of numbing with food or alcohol.

Number four. I go to sleep easier with a satisfied but not stuffed belly – I feel at peace and proud when I lay down instead of berating myself for snacking on something like cheese and crackers late at night, which I often used to do. I would lay in bed, beating myself up and dreading waking up to step on the scale. Now, I wake up certain that my weight will be just about the same as the day before. The scale is such a neutral thing now.

Number five. I love the way my clothes fit. After losing 15 pounds, most of the clothes that I had fit better than before. And there are many items in my closet that I hadn’t worn in years because they were too tight. Now, I don’t own a single thing that’s too tight. And I did have to get rid of a few things which were too loose—but that was actually a thrill.

And number six. My husband keeps telling me how great I look. It’s funny because I didn’t lose the weight to look great—I lost it to feel great, and I do. Looking great is just a nice perk.” I mean, this girl knows how to write, doesn’t she? Okay.

“Number seven. My friends, family, and colleagues have noticed my weight loss, which does make my ego feel good, but it also has a deeper meaning now. When I used to lose weight, I wanted the attention of everyone noticing and thinking I look good. Now, I want to be a role model for what’s possible for others.

Most people I know and love are overweight or are using food and alcohol to numb, even if their weight seems okay. Everyone thought my weight was fine at fifteen pounds heavier, but I was not fine at all. It would be an honor and a blessing to help others to learn how to do what I did. I would love to pay forward the enormous gift I’ve been given. This is the answer I waited 50 years for. I would love to help others experience the liberation and exhilaration of freedom from obsession with food and weight.

It feels as if I am in the same process with alcohol, but I am not as far along as I am with food. I want to be able to take it or leave it when I’m around alcohol and people who are drinking – I have come a long way, I have learned to enjoy not drinking most evenings at home now, and I’m so happy about that, I feel better when I don’t drink at all, I sleep better when I don’t drink at all, I have a better day after an evening with no alcohol. I am still working to get to the “take it or leave it” point on certain social situations – I have done this in some social situations, but I am still struggling with others, which is okay. Two steps forward and one step back will get me there eventually.” I love that thought.

“The self-reflection and insights that result from my slips have been so worth it. I see now how necessary they are.

What I’ve learned is that I am much prouder of myself when I keep my word to myself and when I know that everything I said and did was with full awareness. I can be certain that decisions are made with my prefrontal cortex when I have not had any alcohol. My brain is learning that I can have just as much fun—more real fun, actually—can have just as deep a conversation with whoever I’m with, can be just as relaxed, and just as funny or silly without any alcohol. It’s always my choice to do whatever I want and be however I want. I don’t need alcohol to provide me with an excuse or reason for anything.

I know from having done it with food that if I just feel the feelings I have the urge to numb with alcohol, I will be okay, and they will pass – I will not die, I will not go crazy, I can feel any feelings. They are just vibrations in my body. If I allow myself to feel them without numbing or resisting them, they will pass, and it will be okay. I will feel so much better about not numbing the feelings after they pass. It’s okay to feel that I am in the river of misery if I’m feeling very difficult feelings. They will not last forever, and the power and self-love I feel when I have kept my word to myself by not drinking is like nothing I have ever experienced.

I am so blessed to be on this journey, I am at peace, I am in love with myself again, I have renewed my spiritual life and practices with great enthusiasm. I know with every bone in my body that it was all divine intervention.

Five months ago, when I was shamefully shoveling slices of pizza into my mouth in New York City, after already eating a filling dinner, I felt out of control and lost. I was unable to deal with my emotions. I felt a frightening escalation in my use of food and alcohol to numb feelings that were unbearable to me. My world had been turned upside down, and I was furious. I was suddenly the mother of two, not one, but two transgender young adults, seemingly overnight.

The two people I loved and wanted to protect the most had gone from being privileged white males, whose safety and emotional health I took for granted, to being in one of the most at-risk groups in our world. I was spiraling into self-destructive coping mechanisms, and I knew it, but I didn’t think I could control it. And as I inhaled pizza and guzzled wine every night of that trip, I couldn’t have imagined that I was just a few short days away from salvation. I had to go that low to get me to search my podcast app for weight loss help as soon as I got home. What happened since that day is nothing short of a miracle.”

Thank you, Bridget. That was absolutely one of the most heartfelt “Why this is the last time” I have ever read. And so, I really wanted to share it with all of you today, and I hope you all got some nuggets from that, that will help you on your journey. She’s so honest and so real. And I can tell you from working with her that everything she’s telling you is true, and once again, how much weight you have to lose is never the issue—if it’s 100 pounds, 5 pounds, 50 pounds—the problem is always the same as you can read from her letter.

So this is what I want you to think about this week as you go about it: Why is this going to be your very last time that you ever have to lose weight again? Why is this going to be your very last time that you will ever think that food has any control over you again? Why is this going to be your very last time that when a bottle of wine is sitting on the table, you know that you can take it or leave it? Think about it.

I know we don’t talk about drinking as much as we talk about eating, but it’s all very much the same thing, and I deal with clients on both of those issues all the time very successfully, as you can read from Bridget’s letter. This was, I know, a little bit of a longer letter, but also, I think it was filled with things for you to think about. So as you go about your week, the only thing else that I have left to possibly say to you is please no matter what else you do, be very, very, very kind to yourself, and I’ll see you next week. Bye-bye.

Dr. Michael Butler: I would like to invite you to correspond with Dr. Deborah. Go to iTunes, drdebbutler.com/iTunes, and you can review the show, and you can even get some helpful suggestions on what you would like to talk about in the future to accomplish your mindfulness in your journey into mindfulness. Thank you.